jayellebee's Blog

July 28, 2012

Teetering

Filed under: Musings — Joanne @ 5:55 pm
Tags: , , ,

     Old women have bone loss, not me.  Old women grow shorter, not me.  At least, that’s what I thought until my recent physical.  Shoes off, standing erect, staring straight ahead I waited as my doctor’s nurse lowered the measuring rod and rested it on my head.

     “Five-four-and-a-half,” she said.

     “What?  No.  I’m five-six,” I told her.   “Try again.”

     I pressed my posterior against the wall, raised my chin and inhaled.  I’ve been five-six since forever.  Towered over my vertically challenged mother at the age of eleven.  Can’t remember when I wasn’t five-six.

     “Five-four-and-a-half,” the nurse repeated.

     “That can’t be,” I said.  “I was five-six at my physical a year ago.” 

     I sneaked a sideways peek at the nurse thinking she must be too short to get a straight read on the instrument.  She met my glance, eyeball-to-eyeball, before ushering me to the exam room.

     The doc asked me to dress after my yearly probing and palpation.  She returned a few minutes later with a referral for a bone density scan.  An inch-and-a-half height loss in twelve months was worth investigating.  Sure enough, my right wrist and hip are showing signs of osteopenia, a pre-cursor of osteoporosis. 

     What to do?  At this rate I’ll qualify as a “little person” in no time at all.  That would officially make me a LOL.  No, not “Laughing Out Loud.”  In the pre-texting era, LOL used to stand for “Little Old Lady.”  And who wants to be one of those?  Not me!

     So, I now sport jazzy, red, weighted wrist bands when I walk.  For the life of me I don’t know how they’re going to help me regenerate bone in my hip, but hip weights wouldn’t look so jazzy.  More significantly, I’ve invested in a Teeter Hang-Ups brand inversion table.  The doctor told me there is some evidence inversion can limit height loss, and the TV infomercials sucked me in.  After all, the inventor/spokesman is 72 and he “feels great.”

     Ken lugged the massive box Fed Ex dropped on our driveway into the shop.  My Teeter Hang-Ups table came with a 30 day free home trial; however, should I choose to return the product, it must be re-packaged in the original container.  A quick look suggested that would be easier said than done, akin, perhaps, to separating and re-inserting a beaten egg into its cracked shell. 

     Between us, Ken and I have many years of post-graduate education.    I humbly consider myself quite good at being able to mentally translate two-dimensional diagrams into three-dimensional visions.  But the directions included so much jargon, and the exploded drawings were so miniscule, I never could have put the table together without Ken’s strong mechanical skills.  Ninety minutes later, the table looked like the picture on the cover of the fourteen page assembly manual.   If I decide to return the product, we’ll need to begin taking it apart and working on  the packaging puzzle soon.

     I carried the user’s manual into the house, eased my tired back into my ergo-friendly rocker and proceeded to scare myself silly.  Pretty much every paragraph began with a warning that read something like, “If you don’t do this exactly right, you might fall on your head, break your neck and die.”  Now, that’s some disclaimer!

         Finally, the moment came.  Ken, acting as my appointed spotter and executor, accompanied me to the shop – henceforth to be known as the bat cave since that’s where I’ll be hanging up-side-down – and helped me make sure the various settings were properly adjusted.  Checking my balance point on the Teeter table confirmed something I’ve always suspected, I carry more weight in my behind than in my bosom.  Terrific.

     I eased myself into an inverted position at roughly the same speed a chrysalis metamorphoses into a butterfly.  Per the instructions (which I’m following exactly because I don’t want to fall on my head, break my neck and die), my initial hang lasted less than one minute.  I can’t say 50-ish seconds studying the ceiling made me “feel great,” but Ken noted my previously mentioned bosom didn’t sag so much when inverted. 

     Will I pursue a career in the bat cave?  Yes, at least for the next 25 days.  Will it keep me from becoming a LOL?  Maybe.  Or, maybe it will help me become a bigger person.  Who knows?  Next time we meet I might resemble a stretched-out Gumby.

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2 Comments »

  1. Great for you for getting the Teeter. I’ve always wanted one of those. It would feel so good to stretch out my aching back, perhaps get a bit taller and improve my posture. If nothing else you’ll get more blood to your brain and perhaps get smarter :-0

    As for the osteoporosis, I hope you don’t fall the, “You need to take Fosomax for the rest of your life,” solution because the evidence is not there in the latest studies when women who took the drug had their femurs break while standing still. I suggest that the solution is in the alkalinity of our bodies. Check this post on Acid vs Alkaline.

    Cheers!
    Chris

    Comment by Chris Pedersen — July 28, 2012 @ 9:29 pm | Reply

  2. OMG that’s funny. I loved it! I’ve always been curious to try one of those inversion table thingies. Let me know how it goes, how much you use it, etc. Please be careful, though I am sure those wornings were written by over-zealous lawyers. It looks pretty straight forward. But I don’t want to hear that you’ve fallen on your head, broken your neck, and–God forbid–died. Keep up the wonderful writing. I can’t wait for the next one!

    Bee

    Comment by Bee Hylinski - Author and Baseball Fan — July 29, 2012 @ 4:17 pm | Reply


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